Trials of Various Kinds

 Once again, it has been a while. I enjoy going back and looking here every once in a while, even if no one ever reads it.

Universally, 2020 & 2021 were hard for most. Constant divide over opinions and our country seemingly (and quickly) heading towards communism. It's a scary time! But I have been reminded over and over that God is the one in control of the nations. In several places in Scripture he flat out says so :) Thankful for that. And thankful to know He doesn't make mistakes. He also doesn't promise it'll be easy.

In Jan of 2021, we left our church of nearly 10 years. In Feb my mom landed in the hospital with sepsis and stage 4 cancer. It was of course, very challenging. Though she there is no detectible cancer now, it is very likely to return. I have learned a lot about letting go.

In Aug we lost one of C's closest and dearest friends at the age of 34. One month later we were in a car accident that nearly killed us. C is still dealing with the effects of 15 broken bones. It was a miracle we made it out.

Everyone keeps saying that God was looking out for us, and He was. BUT. What about our friend? Why didn't He save him? He left behind a wife of less than 5 years and a 6 month old baby. 

Our minds cannot understand God's ways. He works things together for His purposes. This past year has truly deepened that notion in me.

Now I am learning how to move forward. Homeschooling is going fairly well so far and both boys are treasures (most days ;)). We definitely have hard moments.

I hope, in the end the Lord will find me faithful to Him. As I approach a very uncertain future with a present that is discouraging at times, I know He is in control. 

Shadow of the past; Purposing to look to the present & the future

How do I enjoy this season when there is constantly a pull on me from the past?

I have been thinking lately of all the reasons why social media is detrimental to me.
Most people don't understand, or even attempt to.

Constant reminders of relationships lost. Those would would be "aunt" or "uncle" to my kids but have not even met them. Which means I haven't seen that person in 6 years.
People don't know how to keep up outside of it so I am reaching out to SO many people. Of them only 3 or 4 initiate back.

Why is this normal?

I know that people hate me because of some my choices. Words like "stupid" "should have your kids taken away". Oh, but I don't mean you. Yeah okay.

Comparison. I'm not doing enough. Not artsy enough. Not going fast enough in school. Not knowledgeable in my own life.

TOO. MUCH.

And yet I feel a hole? I miss seeing pictures and "knowing" how everyone is doing. And the attention, if I'm honest. The "you're doing great!" "your kids are so cute" kind of stuff.

My worth is in JESUS. I know this. He is enough!

WHY is that so hard for me to believe?

I can't keep longing for the past. Those in the past are not the same anymore. I am not either. I can't keep clinging a shadow of the past.

I must be grateful for NOW. My kids will be grown before I know it. My life is but a vapor and what will I have to show for it?

I need boldness to speak of the only thing that will matter: the TRUTH and eternal life. Do I love people enough to be their warning sign and help them turn from Hell?

That is the biggest question.

On changing seasons

With how infrequently I update this, I should call it changing seasons... :)

SO much has changed since the beginning of this year. Some of it good, some of it hard, but that's how life works, isn't it?

I have been *off of social media most of the year for the first time since I was 15. It was a huge part of me, and had a big hold on my life You see, I would keep up with everyone I've ever known and cared about. And really care. But, I can't keep up with 500+ people- so I would burn out. Often.. way more often than I realized.

*mostly off. It's a true addiction, unfortunately.

Since last summer I've had at least 4 (possibly more?) episodes of what I now realize is adrenal fatigue. Some doctors say it's not a thing but all it means is that your adrenals can't keep up with the level of cortisol that is released and they "burn out". This means depression episodes, extreme fatigue, and lack of motivation for a "short" period of time. For me at least. I was doing BeachBody workouts and thought that was the culprit but... it wasn't. It was the weight of expectations I was putting on myself & other people's opinions that I allowed to crush me.

I am in the process of healing. So thankful.

Homeschooling is going well thus far. I started a mini "co op" with a friend, who I am very grateful for. #1 is doing quite well. He's reading, writing and is exceptional at mental math (I didn't teach him). and #2 will be 3 next week. And we are feeling that, let me tell you ;). He's a sweetheart, full of opinions.
I also started working for the same friend, managing her bookings (she's a lactation consultant). I enjoy it a lot! I love administration stuff, and the little extra income is nice. I get to help her (answered prayer) and one of her co-owners is not a believer so I can bless her too!

We started a mentor program at church and I am paired with 2 older ladies who I adore. They have been wonderful for my growth. We also met with one of the lady's daughter, but we have split off. I am hoping to find more time to meet with her! Another young woman at our church has asked me to do a bible study with her too! Such a neat season after not being able to mentor in youth.

We actually stepped down from youth around Easter this year. It was hard after 5 years and the guilt over certain situations was crushing. Ultimately, it was best though. Soon after C joined a men's group and oh my goodness, what a prayer answered. One I had been praying since before we met in fact. I've seen massive spiritual growth and good fruit. And asking LOTS of hard, deep questions about our faith, our family, and our surrender (lack there of) to the Lord. He's truly taking the lead in our family.

This past summer, our puppy that we adopted from the farm died of a horrible disease. The grief was SO painful, which was surprising bc I didn't want her in the first place. I said yes because I love my family. She would have been 6 months old. I understand pet lovers and to a very small extent the loss of expectation that many people face when losing someone too soon.

In many ways, I have been reminded of the sacredness of life as of late. We are not in charge of our days. One dear friend lost her mom to cancer after only an 8 month battle (Jan '18). Another dear one lost her mom suddenly from a pulmonary embolism (Aug. '19). Both significantly younger than my own mom (and friends of hers too). We're almost at the 3 year anniversary of my cousins sudden death (before she was even 30), my grandmother, and my honorary aunt Jo, who died suddenly. We just don't know what the future holds. Family bonds have been broken this year, ones that I don't know if they will be repaired. One of my dearest friends moved 3 hours away in February. Another is very distant and I am very worried about the path she is on, but have lost my voice in her life. It's just been a hard year, since the summer of 2018.

I'm so thankful that in the hard, there is also life. A deeper understanding of the TRUE gospel. We are wretched, deserving of wrath, no good on our own. BUT GOD. Rich in mercy, slow to anger, abounding in love, chose to come anyway. To save his enemy.
I feel that depth now. My sin and his amazing grace.

I never realized how much the church has blended in with the culture. SELF- care, self love, self esteem.... and we've christianized it.
we are to DIE to SELF not embrace it!

We are desensitized. I mean it took me finding a ouichia board with the characters from supernatural on it to realize that it was leading people astray!! Such popular things we think are ok, but are leading people to new age philosophies or witchcraft.

I knew about the prosperity gospel but I had NO clue how many false teachers there are out there. and how CLOSE they are.

As we choose this path, it'll be lonely, I'm afraid. Homeschooling and saying no to a lot. Praying for strength to know when to stand and to stand on the Word of God. I'm learning who I am in Him, that it really is Him alone, and how to swim upstream. How's that for changing seasons?

2019

I'm not sure how that happened, but here we are. 2019. It doesn't seem possible.

Our boys are growing up. #1 is our extroverted entertainer. He's kind, compassionate and fun. He's also had a few... shall we say... challenging seasons. I have learned more about walking with the Holy Spirit in this season. Discipline is hard! But I pray that he will come out with strong character and someone who seeks to truly know the Lord.
#2 is also a lot of fun. He's just over 2 and in the fun phase where he is finding his voice. I love the season of having to interpret because he's using his own language. I pray the continue to build relationship with each other and grow up to be the best of friends.

So much has happened, I suppose it's hard to narrow it down. We are continuing to serve in youth but are praying about what's next. We hope to find a ministry where we can include the whole family. I'm ready for that change.

3 years isn't THAT long...

I have enjoyed reading through previous posts and find myself with a bit more time since I deactivated facebook.
Obviously, so much can change in such a 'short' amount of time. Like... we now have two boys instead of just one. #1 is almost 3 and a half now... talks up a storm and is opinionated about everything. He's also got a very kind temperament and is the sweetest big brother. #2's birth threw me for a loop to say the least. But the experience woke my soul up for the Lord in a way I didn't know it needed to be. It's taken a while to recover but I have seen the Him work in so many ways.

We're have become assistant youth pastors at our church (long story). We work with an organization called PAIS & get to meet and serve with missionaries from around the world. Our head youth pastor and his wife are english, but served in spain for 20 years. We also have gotten to know quite a few germans. I love learning about different cultures and views of God.
We have found the best community we have ever had (I think). The church has exploded with young adults/young families. I have had the most challenging studies with a small group of ladies. We've gone through Gospel DNA, Missional Motherhood, and are now studying the armor of God. I'm so grateful for them. I've had a few friends come in that i feel like are my soul sisters too! so thankful.

I have become passionate about homeschooling and creation. I want to learn all the things about these subjects. I want to honor the Lord so very much with this ministry he has given me. I'm nervous and excited to see what the future holds.

Casey's family started a farm that focuses on healthy & humane treatment of animals (and non-GMO too!). They have endured through many trials to get to where they are. We're so proud of them! Check them out over at Xander Farm, if you wish.

I think those are the big points for now. I'm hoping to get into writing a bit more.

On Food and Glorying God

I haven't posted my testimony on health on here yet, but one huge aspect that I struggle with is food. It is truly the torn in my side.

I just ordered a book after conversing with a dear friend of mine entitled "Trim Healthy Mama". The day after I saw this video, where the authors give a summary of their testimony and finding out what the Bible says about food.

It touches on God and His glorious sacred echo in my life right now: balance.
I've been trying so hard to change my food habits for the last two years... always one step forward, 3 or 4 steps back. I finally reached a point where I was trying so hard that I was leaving God out of it.
These ladies found that they were trying all the fads and trends, cutting food groups, etc and were still struggling with health issues.

I'm excited to see what the Lord does. :)

Bringing up Bébé and New Perspectives

I posted this to FB a few days ago and I went over really well. I may start posting more.

So, I've wanted to start a blog for ages, but fear of acceptance kept getting the better of me. This subject is something I struggle with and I really felt like writing this might be an encouragement to some of you on here. My prayer is that it will speak to you and bless you :)

American culture confuses me. We live such a fast paced life and yet we are expected to be perfect in doing so. We're expected to "do it all". 

Being a mom is no exception. In this new phase I have found that there are so many schools of thought that you literally cannot incorporate them all. For instance, being a stay at home mom is often considered "selling yourself short" or not reaching your full career potential but if you're a working mom then you're obviously not devoting enough time to your kids. 

One thing I know is for certain: you cannot be ALL the things. Seriously.

Another aspect that has really surprised me is all mom to mom judging, sometimes accompanied by truly hateful remarks. It doesn't matter which side of a debate you're on, it seems. I found that I was beginning to feel like a failure no matter what decision I made.

Some days, I am incredibly thankful that we live in the age of the interent. Got questions about anything? Google! But from the time I found out I was pregnant until now I struggle with an overabundance of information. Sure, you'll find advice on everything but it often becomes more confusing than it was originally. There are contradiciting opinions on everything from sleep to starting solids to discpline methods etc etc. 

I recently picked up a book that my sister recommended ages ago entitled Brining up Bébé. It is basically the journey of an american woman who is married to a brittish man and is raising a family in France. On a "relaxing trip" where her daughter is not so easy going, she began to notice that the French kids are quite different: They "do their nights" (sleep through the night) by 4 months at the latest, can sit through an entire meal without throwing a fit, and even eat their food without a fuss. 

It's quite a facinating read really, though the author can be a bit long winded at times. I do enjoy the thought of a more laid back parenting style, however I definitely don't agree fully with the French mindet. 

Some insights I gained:

• It is good to be aware of your childs needs from an early age, and learn their rhythm. The French allow a pause, where they watch to see if the baby needs to be fed or will simply resettle. 
• We don't have to be of constant service to our children- it is not selfish for them to learn to play on their own. In fact, they need to learn that they are not the center of our world. Of course we must have purposeful, fully engaged time with them as well. Balance is the key.
• Taking a break once in a while is a good thing! We should not feel guilty for having a bit of "me" time. (I SO struggle with this one).
• The french have a basic framework called a cadre, which depicts expectations but allows freedom within the boundaries.
• Teaching children to be patient and respectful early on is of utmost importance. Saying hello and goodbye to adults is a great example.
• Children are not considered equal per se, but small human beings and capable of understanding more than we think.
• Their education focuses more on creativity and expression. There's no "get ahead of the game" program like we have. I've personally found a lot of pressure in developmental stages. My doctor told me that Sean "passed" his six month check up... still not sure what that means ;)

I would also like to note, on the subject of food, that french kids are expected to eat what the family eats. It just so happens that it is mostly fresh, real foods (from the sound of it in the book, anyway). Food makes a huge difference in behavior, but that's a whole other topic ;)

This book, more than anything brought out the sociologist in me. I would love to know what parenting is like in a variety of cultures. I find that I've been entirely too discouraged as I follow blogs here on FB and pinterest because many of them have the "if you don't do it this way, you're failing" vibe, even if that is not the intent. I've been switiching to a more natural, chemical free lifestyle for the better part of the last two years but oh my goodness, there are some days that I feel like giving up. As soon as I fix one issue, I find ten more that I should change immediately. Of course I want to do what's best for our family, but there has to be balance somewhere. I know that with my perfectionistic tendancies, parenting will be difficult. But this book has brought a freedom that I was not expecting and for that I am grateful.